Update for a long time...

its being ages ive updated... but im updating now not because of something happen, its more of what thoughts im having now....

have you recalled, when some one is talking about someone else, lets say person A is saying that person B is talkative, person A is talkative himself?
its true, cause when human judge someone else, they use themself to judge, they use what they themselve think is right, what they belive is right, to judge people, and, thats the reasons why people can only find the same faults other people have on themself.

when we think, what do we base the thoughts from, its always from ourself, remember that every time you feel like commenting about something.


got to say that life is of no progress to me at all, there doesent seem to be any clear path at all to me, im seeing nothing, neither can i feel a thing, im slowly losing my control to comfort, doing things for me myself and i as a piority now... can really stand it but yes, thats how i am right now. i am not facing the past anymore, neither am i able to cast forward a view of tomorrow, im staying in between, pacing around not doing anything.

this year is gonna be tough on me, i can tell that, but as usual, im still hoping for a tinge of miracle to happen on me, for what im dying out now for is wailing even stronger....

X-mas

so fast, its like time flies and now, im gonna go santa clause again... tired and bored... lol..

but when i woke up today morning, i felt real drain, for some reason, i felt like a sting of venom just jabbed me in my heart, i cant control my limbs and just lie down there striggling to move. and all of a sudden a flash back of bad memorises flushed back on me. making me feel really upset.

sat on the sofa and tried taking a deep breath to see if that release the tention, but it does not seem to help at all and when i walk to the kitchen, that damn feeling came again when i saw the knife on the table, it make me wanna just go cut my wrist ( i dint cut, but i have a funny urge to cut it).

i just throw myself on to the sofa, switching on my laptop and my router, its a damn boring morning, and im still tired.... last nite was fun, Astro x-mas party, but damn, if onli i can stay overnite.... i dunno why, but im getting a feeling like im floating, rather, i have a feeling that im not wat i use to be, im rather less responsive and less thinking of my words. i think im rather having depression.....

LEO PPL...

Thx 2 wei zhi for the email...


>>LEO MAN >> >>He likes to comb his hair backward, open his forehead >>showing a dignify >>facial ___expression. His eyes is sparkle, but > slightly >>showing laziness. He >>walks firmly and slowly like a lion, confident and > ego >>proud. Outside, you >>may think he is kind and gentle person, but inside he >>is a strong and secure >>person. If he is frighten, he will re-act and respond >>right away. His words >>always seem normal but mostly imply "order and >>demanding". He will not talk >>fast, or can not talk fast, neither walk fast. In a >>crowd or at work he will >>act normally, but not for long you will see him >>standing out of the crowd >>and be a center of attention with his words, or his >>action. >> >>You might think he is a shy guy, but deep down inside >>he wants to power over >>his family and his friends. He just waits for that >>right moment. Do not take >>what is his, and do not order him, or else you will >>see a fierce lion. He >>respects elderly and senior, but will never bow down >>and accept like a >>looser for he will rather die than loose his dignity. >> >>He talks bluntly even on an occasion that he should >>not say such thing. He >>is a compassionate guy and always look at other > people >>on a bright side. He >>likes people to listen to him. Even he has such a >>blunt and bold >>personality, he could easily reach his goal without >>making any enemy. >> >>Once disagree with him on something, he can be very > up >>set like a rainy >>storm on a summer day. It will only last a short > time, >>then he will be back >>a cheery merry person again. He is a bright and witty >>guy, and he will not >>put any efforts on something that he thinks it will >>not work and waste his >>energy. He is a good planner and can well manage his >>job assigned. When he >>gives order, he expect them to be carry out exactly. >>He is the leader type >>that the followers love. >> >>He can give other people advice and solve problems > for >>other people well, >>except his own mess. He can be easily hurt by other >>people especially if you >>do not trust or respect his ability. You could >>compliment him sometimes and >>make this lion be your kitty with no difficulty. He > is >>not a good judge for >>he listen to many people and tend to belief all > sides. >> >>You can hardly see a Leo man with no woman by his >>side. If you see him >>alone, he could already have a love one in his heart, >>or just broken up with >>one. Because he is very proud, he can change many > girl >>friends. He will do >>many things for the woman he loves, but loosing his >>face is not one of them. >>Leo man can not live without love , because for him >>Love is a ray of Light. >> >>He likes people to rely on him, it's make him feels >>"in power". He may >>complaint if he is asked for favor, but deep inside > he >>is happy that you >>asked him. If you offer to help him , he will refuse >>you right away. >> >>When he is broke , he can find money still. He is not >>careful with his way >>of spending for he has fun with spending money and >>happy to buy what he >>likes. He lets other people borrow money from him >>easily even if he has no >>money, he will run to his friend to borrow money for >>you. He likes first >>class , first quality of everything. >> >>He can work hard like a mad dog, and sometimes can be >>lazy like a lazy >>sleepy cat. When he works, he is very serious. When > he >>parties, he can be a >>party animal. If he ask you out, you will sure have a >>fun and jolly time. >> >>He will take chance with his love life, so if you > know >>how to handle him, >>you will win. If he is your love one, it won't be a >>romance novel. You have >>to be ready to calm him down when he over reacts to >>small matters because >>your cool stability will control and ease his mood. > If >>you can not handle or >>understand him, your relationship will be like a >>demolition zone, a on and >>off relationship till all your friends tired to hear >>about your breaking up >>and making up. >> >>Beauty is always in the eyes of the lion. You have to >>be dignify to walk >>with the lion king. Your looks is part of his image >>and ego and he is very >>proud about it too. If you want his attention the >>first time you meet, you >>better be astounding attractive. If you have a first >>conversation with him, >>you have to show him how much you adore his thinking. >>He likes to talk and >>not knowing that he likes to talk about himself.

tired

im damn tired now, not to mention the number of things now revolving on my mind now, it seems that i have to make my mind be in a cool state all the time, time 2 get serious in everything im gonna do now, nothing is gonna block it.

went for charity gift box 2day, damn fun man,nt 2 mention get 2 know more bout the astro ppl, its damn tiring coz b4 that me n sticky actually went 2 yue beng's hse 2 taun the night b4, 1st few times taun at ppl hse, haha, played the whole morning... damn tired lar, now resting on the sofa, really have 2 go work 2molo even if i not feeling well, coz $$ is running out!!!! lol, 3 weeks dint go work liao!!! siao sia.... can survive till now is actually kinda a miracle.... haha, yet again, the usual of routes are too bored liao, its like so routine life of mine.... getting bored and real sianz, tired of all things surrounding me,... cant take it no more....

Joy

Whew, seems long time since i blogged, partly coz i actually wanna blog abt ASTRO ANE XI CAMP!!!! damit man, it rox like hell!!!!!1

first day was the most tired, coz i was busy helping moving stuff and right aft that, went to picked up the participants, haha, kinda feel nervous coz i dunno hu are coming, but after some self intro, my members are : shawn, jie han, ting hui, wei li, rawda and charles.

i skipped dinner, coz when they reach i have to start gluing the group( which i sux at), althought we tried our best, i think they are still bored... heix, aft that, we assemble them at the sleeping area and started bumber bee. damn, me n shen bao are damn suay, we kena the last 2 so we have 2 do a forfet. but, nic is damn funny, he was like chasing the ppl till his so tired that he ended up trying to act as a "hunter", hiding behind the "trees", waiting for his "prey", haha.

i have to do a " carnival king" with miao qing as a forfet... lol, it wasnt my day, i had 2 forfet eariler on, 1 is i have to go behind evelyn to shout i like her, the other one is i have to sing a song with a loud hailer... lol

when the clock strikes 12.01, hehe,... gues wat, its joel's bdae so wat we did is, STACK!@!!!! , im the second as usual... ouch... kena squashed ...

after that was an ob, its really lucky as we get a clear sky by 1.12..it rkws, as most of the constilliation start appearing out, and we can get a kinda clear view of most stuff, for a short period of time which sux,... and vic was like trying to find the orion nebula, coz he wanna see the great "one".... lol...

after that we were asked to go to lecture hall 73 2 watch a movie, i slept all the way until later, and reliased that its night walk, it wasn't that scary, but i was shocked when they caught me off guard, and surprisingly, brendan is the guy in the toilet in route 1 n milton is the guy in robe( knew that) =p! lol... but the whole thing is kinda fun and nice...

a series of unfortunate events...

wtf, im really getting clumsy, caoz, fking partition, cb sia, block the whole path then chipped my leg when it fells down with a fking thud, knn.
freaking pain now and not really doing anything, think my tag box is spoiled.... knn

Live

-Listening to River-

pretty in a down mood now, juz read throught my old blog, kinda feel the life back then, and the life now, with a very big contrast... i feel so lonely, i dun have any more close friends now, i cant find some one on msn now 2 tok bout my life, neither can i call ppl now to tok, i am really down, i would wish that i have the phone connection then having a laptop... and i would have wished that i were with gab...

every litter things i jotted down on my old blog spike tears in to my eyes, all those joy, fun and pain i got throught, i will never forget, and i will never be able to let it go as theres still something that holds me there, something that i seem to still stuck on, feeling like a fly trapped in a spider's web, i feel hopeless...

looking at the lifestyle now, it kinda sux, theres not really lots of ppl 2 tok 2 now, i feel so restrained, so stripped of my life. theres like thousands of things i wanted to empty it out but cannot do it. i think hiding back behind the curtain is better, atlease the slight warm feeling i get is better than the coldness i get off ppl.... much like a freezing field, the dif is that its perm.

-by_myself-
myself, i cant relie on myself, im too dependent, i feel so unsecure when im alone, "i cant seem to convince myself why, im stuck in the outside", that line rings me alot, kinda remind me of the anti-melvin campaign, except that i have start to miss those days now...

-only_one-
i am giving up, of what im always am, i feel stripped of an important key factor now, i feel like an angel whose wings are crippled.... unable to do anything, the only thing i can do now is call "nothing". ..... the song reminds of minyi, haha, kinda awakard now mentioning her name on my blog, but i can say, she is one person i really loved really deeply and madly b4..... but thats the past now, i haver only a fragile future to look to, i can only hope to look and see if theres any small chance that i can get some joy from the future i have already forseen..... the cracking and collapsing future of mine...